They Sliced open my leg and I Slept Right Through It!

Ok, that’s clickbait, I admit it, but today was my Achilles tendon surgery, and it sucked.  Majorly sucked, especially getting the nerve block.  It hurt, seriously hurt, while they had to do it when I was still awake to verify it succeeded. 

And now I sit here, dreading when it comes off, but also, I want it to be over with so I can gauge the pain levels I am going to be in, to prepare myself for the workouts I will be continuing despite the setback this has presented.

Yes, my bad ass wants to work out already, because I am sick of this shit, and I want my life to get back on track, financially, emotionally, spiritually, I am sick of all this trash and garbage that people lay at my feet and claim it’s love.  My situation will improve the moment I get my head out of my ass and realize that life is worth it, as long as you don’t surround yourself with assholes.

I asked my neighbor today to pick up a female urine device so I can pee in a jug in bed because it is so difficult transferring to a toilet.  That’s not glamorous at all, and some of you will judge me for it, but this is what happens when people let you down.

Perfect strangers willingly put themselves out to help me, while people who supposedly love me let me suffer without support, or give me love and light, thoughts and prayers, etc.  Do you know how much I hate platitudes?  Do you know how I created Expect To Self Rescue and why? 

Because despite empty promises and difficulties given to me by people who love me, I plan to come out on top of this pile of massive bullshit.

I never have gotten to run with Casey Neistat.  I want to hike Mount Fuji.  I want to go horseback riding in the Sierra Nevadas.  I need to move to Montana and be a mountain woman but also go see my buddy that lives there and go paddle boarding with her in a glacier lake.  I have plans, and this stupid leg isn’t going to stop me.  It shut me down hard, but that doesn’t mean I can’t come out on top in the end.

So today’s experience gave me a little momentum and validation of the fear that I am still completely alone after thirteen years of trying to make friends and improve my life.  However, I am a certified Personal Trainer and Nutrition Coach, I have my FEMA, my NIMS, and my OSHA 30.  I will have my EPA 608, though right now I can’t do any jobs with it.  I’m working on my Dog Training Certification though Rover, and I am working on my Bookkeeping Certification, leading up to eventually becoming a CPA, if WGU will ever get back with me. 

And what does all this mean to you, the reader?  Absofuckinglutely nothing, but I promise you, that if I can get off of my ass going through not one, but two major health scares, chronic poverty, workplace harassment and bullying, grape, Narcissistic abuse, physical abuse, sexual molestation while a child, and the murder of my two dogs who were my best friends and world, then you can get through it, too.

You got this, no matter who you are, you are going to make it.  I don’t care what is going on in your life, you are a badass and you’re going to take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if you need to.  It’s not the anaesthetic talking, I am dead serious that once you get it in your head that you are going to get through it, you can pretty much tackle every challenge that comes your way.

You can do everything right and still fail, but you can also take those failures and use them as a jumping off point to build a better you.  That’s the great thing about shattering; you get to build yourself up from scratch into the person you want to be, and sometimes you must do so repeatedly.  That is growth.

I am not the same person I was thirteen years ago when I fell and hurt my back, and I am not the twenty-year-old naïve person that fell in love with someone who ended up marrying someone else.  Although I am still caring for that same man, he has saved my ass in this with his savings, and when I get ahead, we will be rebuilding our life together.  Once he’s back on his feet, I’ll make the decision to stay or not, because I want to be there for him.  It’s stupid, but that’s also what makes me who I am.  I’m not changing just because of some bullshit that happens to me.  Once you figure out who you are, you stick to that shit and you hold onto your values no matter what happens.  That’s how you learn to fight for what you love, and you stay true to yourself in the process.

I hope in my darkness you guys can take some courage and some light with you.  You got this, even when you don’t think you can do it.  You just have to have faith in the strength of your own body and mind, and supplement that daily with meditation, visualization, positive self-talk.  Be your own best friend, and let everyone who wants to mess with you go fuck themselves.  Fuck em and feed em fish heads, as Fondo used to say.

I love you guys!  Until next time!

Rebecca